if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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