My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
