3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
