I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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