I can text with my tongue
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
