My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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