No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Blood and glitter go together right?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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