Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
