I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
