my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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