i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
