Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This toilet bowl is my home.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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