I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
