the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
