I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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