My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
