your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
