i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
