Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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