Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
