he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
