My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
