its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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