he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
