So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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