I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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