I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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