I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
