One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
