I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
