if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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