It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
