She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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