dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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