I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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