So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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