I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
