My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
