My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
