Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
