Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
