If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's shark week go big or go home
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
