I can tuck mytits in my pants
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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