What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
