so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
In America we eat man semen.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
