he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
