Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
