I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
he just fucked me for my cheese.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
