I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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