he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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