Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
