my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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